In Response to Andrea's "Jesus Butter" Comment

In southern Ohio, just north of Cincinnati

I beheld a vision, next to the expressway.

Was a 60 foot jesus, with his hands in the air

looks like he’s carved out of butter,

just like at the state fair.





Big butter Jesus

Sweet cream Jesus

Oh country fresh Jesus

Unsalted Jesus

Oh Promise Jesus

Imperial Jesus

Can’t believe it’s not Jesus

Oleo Lord.





Well you see him from the chest up

like he’s about to do a back flip,

like he scored a touchdown

or maybe melting or about to drown.

Well I’ve been to the state fair

seen a cow made out of corn cobs

Garth Brooks made of string cheese

and the virgin out of olives.



Big butter Jesus

Sweet cream Jesus

Oh country fresh Jesus

Unsalted Jesus

Oh Promise Jesus

Imperial Jesus

Can’t believe it’s not Jesus

Oleo Lord.





Shipped in pieces on a flatbed

staring backwards was his big head

Driver stuck in traffic backups

desperately avoiding eye contact

Well don’t make no graven images.

That’s one of the 10 commandments

I hope the grading curve is kindly

You get to heaven with a 90



Big butter Jesus

Sweet cream Jesus

Oh country fresh Jesus

Unsalted Jesus

Oh Promise Jesus

Imperial Jesus

Can’t believe it’s not Jesus

Oleo Lord.



Can’t believe it’s not Jesus,

Oh spread the word.

Dog's Diary vs. Cat's Diary

The Dog's Diary:

8:00am-Dog Food!!!! My Favorite Thing...

9:30am-A Car Ride!!!! My Favorite Thing...

9:40am-A walk in the park!!! My Favorite Thing...

10:30am-Got Rubbed and petted!!!!!!!! My Favorite Thing...

12:00pm-Milk Bones!!!!!!!!!!!! My Favorite Thing...

1:00pm-Played in the Yard!!!!!!!!!! My Favorite Thing...

3:00pm-Wagged my tail!!!!!!!!!My Favorite Thing...

5:00pm-Dinner!!!!!!!!!!! My Favorite Thing...

7:00pm-Got to play ball!!!!! My Favorite Thing...

8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with the people!!!!!!!!!! My Favorite Thing...

11:00pm-Sleeping on the bed!!!!!!!!!!! My Favorite Thing...

The Cat's Diary:

...Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although Imake my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape...

In an attempt to digust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today, I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrated my capabilities. However they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

Bastards.... There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, Icould hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again, but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privleges. He is a regularly released, and seems to be more than willingto return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...