Monday, February 27, 2006

work poop survival guide

I received this valuable little piece of info from a friend. I hope you all find it useful :-)

Work Poop Survival Guide

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COUTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.


Andrea said...

One of the guys here at work will come in your office....cut the cheese & act like he didn't. They aren't sneakers - they are squeakers - the kind that make noise. Sometimes the kind that sound like your buttcheek skin flappin...*gag*

He'll even do the "raise a butt cheek off the seat" move to let it "escape" .... all the while never missing a beat in his conversation and pretending as if nothing just happened!


s-hooks said...

OMG, OMG, OMG! I'm crying!!!! That's so funny!

I have to say when I was working I always used my trusty SAFE HAVEN, and on occasion had to initiate the ASTAIRE tactic. I know of several CROP DUSTERS, and believe me, I don't miss them!!!

allison said...

Yeah, we all have our own personal preference being pretty close to the "camo-cough." There's a sink in the bathroom I usually use, so I just turn the water on real loud until I'm finished.....then, I spray a quick squirt of air freshener, and run, hoping nobody goes in that same bathroom after having seen me on my way out :-)

Andrea said...

When I worked at Farm Bureau downtown (seems like a lifetime ago) We had a "fake person" that sat in the bathroom.

We'd put the person - which were some wooden "legs" a girls husband made for us with pants wadded up at the ankles. We'd lay a newspaper on the floor so it would look like this person was sitting in the bathroom for hours reading the paper. It totally looked real and was freakin' hilarious!

We'd put it in the men's and women's bathroom.

Those were good times.

Andrea said...

We got into it so much, we'd take turns going in to turn the newspaper pages!!!


allison said...

Andrea....You're crazy!!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Ali, you have forgotten the very essential Poop Muffeler, and also the splash Muffler! This is when you know you may have some escapees You hold some tissue in your hand and cover your butt hole to muffle the sound of any potential escapees. The Splash Muffler is protection against the evil splash of the poop hittling the water. You place some toilet paper in the water enough two coushion your poop.